In the proclamation it states that “parents should rear their children in love and righteousness”. Certainly becoming a parent is a great responsibility and it would be impossible to provide a handbook that would cover every situation for every unique child. But, there are proven principles that work in child rearing.
The first thing to remember, is that every child is unique. Each child brings with them a specific set of traits with a unique personality. No two children will respond the same to any circumstances. Thus, it becomes very important for a parent to seek inspiration for each child. Some children may have tendencies toward shyness or impulsiveness, some could have problems stemming from psychiatric disorders. President James E. Faust observed, “Child rearing is so individualistic. Every child is different and unique. What works with one may not work with another.” The Greatest Challenge in the World Wise parents will work to adjust their parenting style to the individual needs of the child.
There are a few different parenting styles, including permissive parenting, which includes overindulging the child or neglecting them by leaving them to figure things out on their own. With this style, it is very probable that the parents will neglect to provide the guidance and constraint that is good for a child. The coercive parent is one that will deride, demean and continually put a child down by mocking them or holding power over them. In these homes, there is often frequent yelling, spanking, criticizing and forcing. This kind of climate is linked to anti-social and delinquent behaviors in children.
In contrast, the parenting style that is most consistent with the proclamation principles and which research has shown to increase the probability of positive child behaviors is authoritative style parenting. There are three characteristics of authoritative parenting, love, limits and latitude.
First, love. Brigham Young counseled, “Kind looks, kind actions, kind words, and a lovely, holy deportment toward them will bind our children to us with bands that cannot easily be broken; while abuse and unkindness will drive them from us.”
President Ezra Taft Benson also counseled parents, “Take time to be a real friend to your children. Listen to your children, really listen. Talk with them, laugh and joke with them, sing with them, plan with them, cry with them, hug them, and honestly praise them. Yes, regularly spend unrushed one-on-one time with each child. Be a real friend to your children.”To Mothers in Zion
Second, limits. When we put limits on our children, we are teaching them how to regulate their own behavior. Often determining how and when to tighten or loosen the strings, will take much inspiration and effort. It is important to have clear and firm rules and expectations for your child. When the rules are violated, there should be pre-established consequences that fit the behavior. By generously communicating approval for good behavior the child will learn how to regulate their own behavior.
Third, latitude. It is important for children to be given choices at appropriate times so that they can learn how to make their own decisions. Elder M. Russell Ballard taught, “Helping children learn how to make decisions requires a measure of autonomy, dependent on the age and maturity of the child and the situation at hand. Parents need to give children choices and should be prepared to appropriately adjust some rules, thus preparing children for real-world situations.” Sacred Responsibilities of Parenthood Research has shown that children have more respect for their parents when there is a degree of trust given to the child in letting them share in the decisions that are made. These positive interactions between parent and child will build a strong relationship.
When children become teenagers, it can sometimes be very difficult for a parent to trust their child with latitude when it comes to making choices. Elder Robert D. Hales counseled, “Act with faith; don’t react with fear. When our teenagers begin testing family values, parents need to go to the Lord for guidance on the specific needs of each family member. This is the time for added love and support and to reinforce your teachings on how to make choices. It is frightening to allow our children to learn from the mistakes they may make, but their willingness to choose the Lord’s way and family values is greater when the choice comes from within than when we attempt to force those values upon them. The Lord’s way of love and acceptance is better than Satan’s way of force and coercion, especially in rearing teenagers.”Strengthening Families our Sacred Duty